Why performative vulnerability is making men weaker—and what to do about it.

A Clint Eastwood style snarl should permanently deform my mouth while I write this as I yell at someone, anyone, to get off my damn lawn.

But I have to ask — “Has the modern day men’s movement lost its balls?”

Before you roll your eyes and click away, consider this:

In the past four hours,
two complete strangers
here in Boulder have
told me unprompted
that ‘men are weak
these days’ and
‘men have become
feminized.’

They said this after learning I run a men’s movement and wrote one of the influential books shaping it. Maybe they’re onto something, and I’m not the only one asking the question.

 

The Wild
Swing

For almost a decade while leading Man UNcivilized, I’ve kept a watchful eye on how the men’s movement seemed to be trending. I remember the early days when it seemed like you could throw a rock and hit five different groups all cosplaying Navy SEAL or some other paramilitary outfit.

Or, no matter where they were in the world geographically, so many groups had a magical link back to the Vikings. The alpha of the alphas were out in force with fake tans and TRT prescriptions, and even if they weren’t trying to feel what it was like to go through BUDs or protect their suburban family from an impending attack by the Saxons, there was a heavy emphasis on making 7 figures, having 7% body fat, and of course, walking around like you were packing 7 inches.

Sure there were always a few softer groups, you know, the guys dressing up as Shamans or posting vulnerability porn of men sobbing in each other’s arms. Their divine masculine fully embraced but only expressed through overly dramatic and flaccidly poetic social media posts.

And while I’ll happily poke fun at both groups because it never felt like either were all that embodied — I’m not here to shit on them. We all start somewhere and I’m sure there are articles being written taking the piss out of my early work as well.

Let’s move on. That’s the past and there’s been a big shift in both social media and the culture of society since then. We’ve had a pandemic, social upheaval, a few less than stellar presidents, cancel culture on the rise, and the gender divide has grown and grown.

The Tanner
Problem

And yet, it seems like daily, I will open my Instagram and see something along the lines of this: The oh-so-candid and “unstaged” photo of a very forlorn young man, we’ll call him Tanner, dressed in the standard men’s work attire of a loose, unbuttoned, linen shirt, some kind of sheer scarf, a beard and shoulder length hair, with tears streaming down his cheeks from swollen red eyes with the caption — “This is the face of toxic masculinity.”

He will then carry on with a lengthy apology about how at some point as a much younger man, alas, he asked one Alison Summerville, his fellow intern at J.P. Morgan out for a drink, with the excruciatingly toxic intention of, gasp — hopefully touching her boobs.

“This is an open apology to the feminine,” Tanner will solemnly write.

Continuing on with “Before last month’s Ayahuasca ceremony I was just a boy locked in a mother wound, using the feminine to quench the thirst of my gaslit wounded masculinity. Not realizing that in every woman there are a thousand women, mysteries not to be understood, unfurling their sacred dance of blah, blah, all of whom deserve my utter devotion as the divine masculine. Vulnerable. Container. Sacred.” He’ll close with two stolen lines from a Rumi poem and a David Deida quote.

Beneath this word vomit will be a cacophony of comments: “Your vulnerable share has led me to realize my own second chakra integrity leaks,” and the ubiquitous, oddly flat, and confusing men’s response — “I see you.”

It should also be added, that somewhere in the next six months, good ole Tanner here most likely will be outed for trying to finger his “tantric massage clients,” cheating on his pregnant wife, or sending pictures of his divinity to under age girls on Snapchat.

Now, let me be clear yet again — Using women for sex is pathetic. Publicly admitting wrong doings has its place and time. Having a core group of men to hold you accountable is necessary for all men.

But has the movement that once dared men to use brevity, clarity, and leadership, that inspired men to greatness, has that all been replaced by watered down spiritual gobbledygook, therapy speak?

Has the movement
shifted away from
what’s good for men
and into what sounds
good to women?

Now that’s a
million-dollar question.

The Real
Questions

Is it time for us to not only ask young Tanner here to introspect on the mistakes of his past but also be able to answer quickly and in one complete sentence — why the hell are you here on Earth right now and what are you building? What are you doing with your one precious life (thank you Mary Oliver)? And what is the gift that you were blessed with that you are so damn terrified to bring into the world?

Those are the questions I want men answering while sipping their sacred cacao and calling themselves Kings. Those questions require a man to ground down and find his strength and his power and use both skillfully and intentionally.

There’s a reason the six tenets of UNcivilized Masculinity starts with STRENGTH. Strength. Presence. Responsibility. Obsession. Competency. Relationship.

The Lesson from
Nowhere, Texas

Years ago I remember being in the back of a dirty powerlifting gym with 25 other up-and-coming Strength & Conditioning coaches listening to an iconic name in the space, Mark Rippetoe, bestow his knowledge upon us.

Halfway through the second day, when we’d all been shown the ins and outs of the deadlift, back squat, press, and bench press — Rip, as he was called, stopped and asked: “Do you all really know why you’re here?”

We all looked around the room not quite sure how to answer, despite having paid to attend a workshop on weightlifting. He then went on to say: “Right now, in the middle of nowhere Texas (Rip was a Texan himself), there’s a Sophomore in High School growing up on a farm — and this kid is a decent football player. He’s good. He’s pretty strong. And, while there’s nothing wrong with either of these, his employment options once he graduates are to spend the rest of his life swinging a hammer or driving a tractor.

Now, let’s say he comes to you. And you get his deadlift from 330 to 550, his squat from 275 to 495, and his bench press from 295 to 385. And not only does this change how he plays on the field but also gets the attention of some big time college coaches. And maybe this puts him in a position to go from being a decent high school player to playing at a Division 1 school — on a scholarship — where he earns a degree in Business Administration, goes on to get an MBA, and not only starts his own accounting firm but buys his parents’ farm from the bank ten years later. I know it’s possible because I’ve seen it.”

Then he left us
with a sentence
I’ll never forget:

“Strength,
especially with men,
has a funny way of
opening doors that may
otherwise be closed.”

And that right there is the entire reason I’m writing this piece.

Why This
Matters

The Men’s Movement does need men who have access to their emotions, who can feel their hearts, and have disentangled themselves from their sexual shadows. I can already hear the counter arguments and folks getting ready to type me strongly worded emails about toxic masculinity. Hear me out — grounded strength is the foundation of confidence. Confidence comes from knowing you’re going to be okay in the world. When a man knows he’s going to be okay in the world it is only natural for him to look around and begin to ask how he can be of service to others. Not before then.

When a man feels
weak, he wants not
to help and support but
to take and to extract.

He’s a user rather
than a giver.

Weak men and watered down masculinity lead to more failed relationships, addictions, and abuse in the world. It may be counterintuitive but it’s true. When a man feels weak he will go to extraordinary measures to prove to the world he is strong — horrible measures — that often include his fists or a gun.

The world is desperate for strong men right now. Not just physically but across as many plains as a man can reach.

What We
Do Now

So what do we do as leaders? What do we do as men to shift away from a “weak and feminized expression of masculinity?” Start here with these three steps:

1. Ask the men in your men’s group what they’re building. Have them answer in a single sentence the entire group can understand without needing to ask further questions. Clarity and brevity are masculine virtues.

2. Have every man in your circle commit to and share a physical goal they’re going to pursue in the next 90 days. This can be a race they’re going to do, a PR they’re shooting for in the gym, a weight loss goal, anything that will put calluses on their hands and wear down the bottom of their running shoes.

3. Have each man in your men’s group commit to 15 minutes of daily meditation for the next 30 days. Why? Because it’s hard and it’s also a reminder that we’re here to do work inside of ourselves as well as out.

   
   

Coming Back
to Center

The only way we inspire men to take up the mantle of strength and to put the time necessary into strength practices is to come back to it as our center. Come back to the idea that we as men thrive when we’re strongest. Physically and otherwise.

Speak to your men about strength. Honor it. And commit to making it a part of your daily life whether you’re in a men’s group or not.

I have a funny feeling that Tanner and his crew would be living far more integrated, actualized and integrity based lives if they were bleeding in a gym four days a week.

But that’s just me. Now get off my damn lawn.

Yours UNcivilized,
Traver

P.S. — If you’re a man and this speaks to you, come join us in The UNcivilized Nation. Head to manuncivilized.com/thenation to join the waitlist. Your strongest life is one decision away.